The Retreat
by meathead
Summary: Splinter sends the Turtles into the Northern woods of New York State for their annual spiritual retreat and, as always, things don't go as well as they had planned.
1. Off The Beaten Path

Disclaimer I do not own the Turtles or any other related character. Yes, once again this depressing word must appear. In the words of the Barenaked Ladies: _If I had a million dollars..._I would buy some Turtles! Well, with only a million, I could only afford maybe half of one. Maybe just a leg...

Since I've been pouring a lot of emotions into part two of the Family Saga, I've been in the mood for something a little more light hearted. So I'm taking the guys back to their teenage years so I can have a few laughs. Hope you enjoy!

The Retreat

Chapter One: Off the Beaten Path

" Have fun, guys! See you in a couple days!"

The Turtles waved at April as she put the gear of her Volkswagen van in reverse.

" Bye April! Thanks for the ride!" Michelangelo called out as the van turned around, then headed back down the dirt road, spewing a cloud of dust behind it. The four Turtles coughed at the mixture of dust and exhaust fumes, then turned to face the forest that loamed behind them.

After the dust had settled, Raphael inhaled the smell of the pine trees and exhaled slowly as he spoke.

" Man, I love bein' in the outdoors!" He rose his eyes to the tops of the trees then to the blue sky above them. "Splinter sure knows how to pick 'em."

"Anything is better than our trip to South America last year." Donatello said as he readjusted the weight of his purple and black backpack. " Remember when we had to sleep in that cave?"

"Yeah, and it was full of bats." Raphael grumbled, then began to laugh. " Mikey was screamin' like a little girl!" Then he and Donatello began to run around in circles, waving their arms above their heads.

" They're in my hair! They're in my hair!" They both shouted in high pitched voices. Michelangelo frowned and crossed his arms.

" Well, whose idea was it to go swimming in the Amazon river, Raph?" He then lowered his own voice and copied Raphael's accent. " ' They ain't no freakin' piranhas in here!'" He then jumped up in the air. " ' Hey! What the hell just bit me!'"

" Okay, guys. That's enough. We need to get going before the sun goes down." Leonardo said as he dropped the black vinyl knapsack that he had been holding. He pulled it open, reached inside, and removed a folded piece of paper. He cleared his throat as he began to read aloud the words their sensi had written.

_My sons,_

_It is once again time for your annual spiritual retreat, and since the events of last years trip where less than spiritual, I decided to send the four of you somewhere that was closer to home._

"Somewhere closer to a hospital, at least." Donatello muttered under his breath. Raphael and Michelangelo giggled, then stopped as Leonardo narrowed his eyes at them.

_This area of wilderness I have chosen is free of human contact, and is abundant in wildlife. And, no, Michelangelo, you cannot bring anything home!_

"Aw, man!" Michelangelo stomped the ground with his foot.

_Each of you were allowed to bring three items with you. Items that will help you reconnect to your inner self, and I hope you all choose your items wisely. I have also once again assigned each of you a task, which is to be complete before your trip is over._

"I was afraid of that." Raphael rolled his eyes.

_I hope the four of you enjoy your retreat and complete the tasks I have assigned. Remember, the point of this journey is to strengthen both your spirits and your brotherly bond. Take care of yourselves, and watch out for each other._

_Love, Splinter_

Leonardo silently read farther down the paper before folding it back up, then shoved his hand back into the bag.

"Okay," He then pulled out a small silver compass, a hand-drawn map, and a book on constellations. " Donnie, you get to be our navigator. You can only use these things to guide us around the woods."

"No problem, considering I had to leave my computer at home." Donatello said as he took the items into his hands.

"Mikey," Leonardo pulled another book out of the knapsack, along with a pencil and a hardbacked sketchbook. Michelangelo read the cover of the book as Leonardo handed to him.

"Animals of the Northeast?"

"Master Splinter wants you to keep a visual record of the wildlife we encounter." Leonardo smiled as his brother's eyes lit up.

" All right!" Michelangelo cheered. " I was scared that I was gonna have to collect poop samples again!"

"Nope," Leonardo laughed as he looked up from the bag. " Raph gets the honor of collecting the animal feces this time."

"What!"

Leonardo continued his laughter as he handed Raphael a pair of binoculars and a book on birds. "I'm just kidding."

"You better be." Raphael glared at his brother as he jerked the binoculars out of Leonardo's hands. "So what am I doin' then?"

"Birdwatching." Leonardo neatly folded the now empty knapsack into a square then shoved it into his blue and black backpack. " There is a list of bird species in that book that Splinter wants you to find."

Raphael scoffed at the idea. " I always get stuck doin' the stupid stuff." He took the lens cap off of the binoculars and directed them toward the sky. " Well, look at that. I already found one."

"Where?" Leonardo shielded his eyes from sun as he looked toward the sky. Raphael then lowered the binoculars and pointed at the space between his two fingers.

" It be right here if I had the extra finger." He chuckled at his own joke as Leonardo rolled his eyes.

" Whatever. Anyway, let's get moving. Donnie?"

"Whoa, wait a minute!" Raphael held up his hands. " What's Splinter makin' you do?"

" Nothing really." Leonardo gave Raphael a smug smile. " I just have to make sure you guys don't get ate by bears."

"Bears?" Michelangelo gulped.

This time, it was Raphael's turn to roll his eyes. " That figures. Why _would _you have to do anythin'?"

"According to Splinter's map, we start by going north for about five miles." Donatello held the compass up and turned his body around until the arrow pointed up. " That way."

"Okay guys. Let's move out." Leonardo let Donatello pass by, then moved behind him. Michelangelo, who was still shaking from Leonardo's bear comment, followed his brothers closely as Raphael lagged behind.

" Splinter said that this walk to our camp site is suppose to be a time to think and reflect, so we must be silent." Leonardo said as he looked around.

" You mean we can't talk for five miles!" Michelangelo whined.

Leonardo put his finger to his mouth and nodded.

"Walk faster so Mikey doesn't explode on ya." Raphael said as he moved past Leonardo and Donatello.

For four miles, Michelangelo kept his mouth shut, which surprised his brothers. But the welcomed silence was short lived.

" Are we there yet?" Michelangelo moaned as his feet began to drag.

Leonardo and Raphael exchanged glances, each hoping the other one would ignore their little brother.

" Hey, is it true that if a tree falls in the woods, that it doesn't make a sound? Do you think we'll see Bigfoot? Is there a lake out here? Can we go swimming if there is? Is any one else getting hungry? How much farther-"

"SHUT UP MIKEY!" Leonardo and Raphael shouted at the same. Their voices rose up to the tree tops and frighten the birds that sat in them. Donatello, who had been concentrating on the map, jumped around and placed his finger to his mouth.

" Shhh! We're not supposed to be talking!"

" When I said it was a time to think, I didn't mean out loud!" Leonardo exclaimed.

"But, it was getting so noisy in my head, I had to let some of it out!" Michelangelo said in his defense.

Raphael crossed his arms over his chest and laughed. " I could say somethin' really mean, but I'll hold my tongue."

Leonardo sighed heavily as he calmed himself down. " It's okay, Mikey." He then turned to Donatello. " We should be close to our camp site, right?"

Donatello then gave Leonardo a wary smile. " Actually-"

Leonardo narrowed his eyes. " Actually what, Don?"

" Well, if you want me to lie, we're almost there." Donatello then turned the map upside down and gulped. " If you want the truth, we're about four miles off course."

Leonardo's mouth dropped in disbelief as Raphael laughed louder. Leonardo narrowed his eyes at Raphael as his brother doubled over, then sighed again as he began to walk back down the wooden path.


	2. The Snipe Hunt

Chapter Two: The Snipe Hunt

The crackling of the roaring fire echoed off the ring of trees as Leonardo reread the note Splinter had left him and his brothers. Leonardo was still upset about Donatello's navigating mishap and, even though they found the right way to the camping ground, Michelangelo decided to talk, make jokes, and sing the entire time they walked. Leonardo was just grateful that now he could spend some time meditating while his brothers were busy with their own activities.

"Okay guys," Leonardo folded the paper back up and pushed it back into his bag. "Splinter said we were to bring three things that would help us reconnect to our inner spirits."

Donatello unzipped his bag and pulled out his items. " I brought a pencil, a pad of paper, and an abacus."

Raphael made a face at his brother. " Why?"

" Before we left, I created ten pages worth of math problems and I intended to finished them all before we go home." Donatello then went to work and Raphael snorted as he watched Donatello's fingers push the colored beads back and forth.

" What a geek."

Leonardo then pulled out his items from his backpack and set them down in his lap.

"You brought books?" Raphael scoffed. " You're both geeks!"

Leonardo glared at Raphael through the fire as he opened up a book of Japanese haiku, then watched as Raphael removed something from his duffel bag.

" You brought a dartboard?" Leonardo asked as he and Donatello watched Raphael take his other two items, which had been a hammer and a nail, and he pounded the nail into a tree trunk. Raphael then walked back to the fire, dropped the hammer and pulled his sais out of his belt.

" What! It clears my head!" Raphael then flung one of his sai right into the middle of the red and yellow circle.

Leonardo shook his head, then looked at Michelangelo, and his eyes grew wide with shock when he saw the items his youngest brother had brought.

"Mikey! What are you doing?"

Michelangelo looked up to find three pairs of eyes on him. "Uh, I'm reconnecting to my inner spirit?"

" You can't bring your Gameboy here!" Donatello exclaimed, then pointed to the portable disc player and the CD case next to it. " Splinter said not to bring stuff like that!"

Raphael smacked his own forehead at his brother's stupidity. " How dumb can you be, Mikey! How are ya supposed ta use that stuff if you ain't got batteries for it?"

Michelangelo let a smile slowly crawl across his face. " Hehehe. Oops! Didn't think about that!" His brother shook their heads and went back to their things. Michelangelo frowned as he looked into the fire, then rose his eyes back, checking to see if he was being watched. He then shoved his hand into his bag and pulled out a bag of marshmallows, a box of graham crackers, and five Hershey bars. He giggled as he stuck three marshmallows onto a stick and shoved them into the fire.

" Mikey."

Michelangelo stopped laughing and looked up, finding Leonardo's eyes fixed on his face.

He then pulled the marshmallows out of the fire and handed them to Leonardo.

" S'more?"

Leonardo blew out the breath he had been holding and grabbed the stick out of Michelangelo's hand. " No, thank you!" He then bent down, collected the rest of s'more supplies, and dumped them into his own bag. As he walked away, Michelangelo stuck out his tongue and made a face at his brother.

_A few hours later..._

" Come on you guys! You know the words!" Michelangelo jumped up from the rock he was sitting on and began to sing again. "_Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand!_"

Donatello grabbed his ears and shook his head. " Why couldn't I have been born deaf?"

"_Just like that river twisting through the dusty lands!_ Come on Leo! I know you're a closet Duran Duran fan!"

Raphael leaned over and whispered into Leonardo's ear. " Please let me nail that dartboard to his shell!"

Leonardo sighed. " We need to find something to keep him busy!"

"And my idea won't?" Raphael laughed as Leonardo threw him a dirty look. " Okay, okay. I'll think of somethin'."

"Please hurry!" Donatello whispered as Michelangelo continued to sing and dance around. " He already told me he's doing _Love Shack_ next!"

Raphael rubbed his chin as he thought, and soon an evil smile crawled onto his face. He reached into Leonardo's backpack and pulled out the black bag that Splinter had filled with their supplies, and walked over to Michelangelo.

"_Oh, Rio, Rio, dance across the Rio Grande!_" Michelangelo then stopped as he bumped into Raphael. "Hey Raph! Are you gonna sing too? I heard you do a mean version _Addicted To Love_ in the shower yesterday morning!"

Raphael's eyes grew wide and he clenched his fists together. " How about I kick your-"

"Raph!" Leonardo whispered, then motioned to the bag in Raphael's hand. Raphael let his temper die down then he flung his arm around Michelangelo's shoulders and pulled him away from the fire.

" Mikey, I know how much you enjoy entertainin' us, but how would you like to do somethin' that's a little more fun?"

Michelangelo's eyes lit up. " Yeah! Fun is my middle name."

"So is annoyin', " Raphael muttered under his breath. " Anyway, Mikey. How would ya like to go on a Snipe Hunt?"

"A what?" Michelangelo scratched his head. " What's a snipe?"

Raphael pretended to be surprise. " You mean ta tell that you don't know what a snipe is? It ain't in that book of yours?"

Michelangelo shook his head.

Raphael then shrugged his shoulders. " That's okay. You'll know what it is when ya see it." He then shoved the knapsack and a tiny flashlight into Michelangelo's hands. " Now, all ya gotta do is go into the woods and call it. It'll come right to ya, then throw that bag over it."

"And?" Michelangelo asked.

" That's it." Raphael spun Michelangelo around and faced him to the dark woods. " Just bring it back here when your done."

"But how do I call it?" Michelangelo shoved his heels into the ground and stopped Raphael's pushing.

Raphael sighed impatiently. " Like this." And off the top of his head, Raphael began to make a sound that sound like a cat drowning in water, and Michelangelo froze in fear.

" I don't know if I want to do this, Raph. That thing sounds dangerous!" Michelangelo began to back away from the woods when Leonardo and Donatello appeared behind him.

" We're all going, Mikey," Donatello said as he held up his empty backpack.

" Yeah, " Leonardo agreed. " The first one to capture one gets all of the s'mores he can eat!"

Michelangelo's smile returned. " You guys are so gonna lose! I'm going to find the biggest snipe out there!" He then turned back to the woods and ran into the darkness. A few minutes later, Leonardo, Donatello and Raphael heard their youngest brother making the 'snipe call' and they fell into fits of laughter.

" I can't believe that moron fell for that!" Raphael held onto his stomach as he laughed.

Leonardo then stopped laughing as his began to worry. " I hope Mike doesn't get hurt out there."

"I'd be more worried if _Mikey_ hurt something." Donatello returned to his abacus. " Where did you hear about snipe hunting, Raph?"

Raphael smiled. " Ask Leo. He was my first victim." Leonardo then rolled his eyes.

" You know, there really is an actual snipe." Donatello said without looking up from his pad of paper. " It's a migratory game bird that lives in wetlands and marshes. It's about the size of a dove and it has a distinct long, slender beck that it uses to plunge into the wet sand after earthworms. They nest in Canada and around the Arctic Ocean, then fly south every year to-"

Raphael then threw his hands into the air. " Okay, Professer, we get it!"


	3. Turtles, Bears, and Snipes! Oh my!

A/N: Part of this chapter was loosely inspired by the bear scene in _Without A Paddle_, which is a very funny movie! Go rent it! I should point out that I know grizzly bears don't normally live in the northern part of New York State, nor do they live in wooded areas, but I had to use something big, and black bears aren't exactly scary! 0)

Chapter Three: Turtles, Bears, and Snipes! Oh My!

" Well, I'm done." Donatello set his abacus down and place the pencil and paper on top of it. Raphael, who was leaning back against a rock looking up at the stars, pulled his head up and raise his brow.

" You did all of them already?"

"Yep," Donatello flipped back through the pad of paper, making sure he didn't miss any problems. " All 873 of them. Not bad for," He then looked down at his watch. "-huh, three hours? I thought I was faster than that." Raphael shook his head, then leaned his head back. Donatello then looked over the fire to Leonardo, who was still standing at the edge of the woods.

"Still no sign of him?"

Leonardo turned his head around and sighed. " I'm really getting worried. Mikey's been out there too long."

Raphael looked back up. " Hey, you told me to get rid of him, and I did, so stop whinin'!"

He sat up straight and brought his knees up. " I don't know about you guys, but I've kinda enjoyed not hearin' his mouth."

Leonardo felt a chill go through his body and he moved back to the warmth of the fire. " I think we should go look for him."

" Oh, good grief, Leo!" Raphael gripped. " Would you stop bein' so uptight? Mike is fine!" A sudden crunch of under brush startled them and they all turned to face the woods.

" See? What'd I tell ya?" Raphael stood up and peered into the darkness as the sound grew louder. " Mikey? Ya out there, bud?"

Raphael was answer by a low growl, and the footsteps moved faster.

" Okay, Mikey," Donatello also stood and moved next to Raphael. " You can stop trying to scare us. We know it's you." Again they heard the growl and then the footsteps stopped.

"Mike?" Leonardo walked a little closer to the trees, then felt his skin crawl as a giant shadow moved among the trees. He turned back to his brothers, his eyes wide with fear.

" Guys, that's not Mikey."

"What is it?" Donatello asked, feeling a little nervous by the look on Leonardo's face.

Before Leonardo could answer him, the footsteps started up again at a faster pace as the creature ran right toward them.

" It's a BEAR!" Leonardo screamed.

"Holy shit!" Raphael exclaimed as he and his brothers scattered around the campfire and crashed into each other on the opposite side. They huddled together as the giant grizzly sniffed the ground.

"Okay, fearless leader," Raphael withdrew his sais and clung onto them tightly. " Now what?"

Leonardo gulped as the bear moved over to Michelangelo's backpack and started pawing at it. " I'm open for suggestions!" He looked over at Raphael, then at Donatello.

"Why don't we just scare it off?" Raphael spun his sai around and sneered at the animal.

"Yeah, good idea, Raph." Donatello said sarcastically. " I'm sure the 800 pound bear will gladly walk away if we ask him nicely!"

Raphael then threw Donatello a dirty look " Well, since you seem to know _everythin'_, what do you think we should do?"

"Well, for one thing, put your sais away," Donatello pushed down Raphael's hands. " He's on the endangered species list."

Raphael shoved his weapons back into his belt and scoffed. " And I'm gonna add mutant turtle to the list if you don't hurry up and do somethin'!"

Donatello then reached into his belt and shoved a small black container into Raphael's hands. Raphael looked down at the object, then back at his brother.

" Now, what the hell am I gonna do with pepper spray?"

"It's a camping standard if you go into bear country. Use it on him if he gets closer to us." Donatello said as Leonardo directed them around the fire as the bear moved over to where Leonardo was once sitting. He then gasped as the bear knock over his neat pile of books and buried his nose into his backpack.

"I think I just realized what he's after. " Leonardo said, then pointed his finger as the bear lifted out the open bag of marshmallows with it's mouth and pulled at it with it's paws.

" Hopefully, he'll leave after he's done." Donatello said after he released the breath he was holding.

"Leave it to Mikey to cause trouble and not even be here!" Raphael exclaimed as he tighten his grip on the spray and continued to hold it up. Another sudden noise from the black woods made the three turtles jump. They looked back at the bear, who was concentrating on the marshmallows, then back at the trees.

" I hope Papa Bear didn't bring Mama and Baby with him!" Donatello gulped.

The footsteps drew closer to the fire and Michelangelo appeared suddenly. He jumped into the campsite and held the black duffel bag over his head triumphantly.

" I did it! I caught a snipe!"

" MIKEY!" His brothers all yelled at once. " SHUT UP!"

Michelangelo then looked over to his right and saw the seven foot tall grizzly bear standing above him. The bear roared, and the color drained away from Michelangelo's face as he dropped his arms.

" Mommy!"

" Don't move, Mike!" Leonardo shouted.

"Punch 'em in the nose, Mikey!" Raphael exclaimed as he laughed.

" Raphael!" Leonardo narrowed his eyes.

"What?" Raphael shrugged his shoulders. " You don't think that would be funny?"

"Listen to me Mike!" Donatello said as he snapped his fingers. Michelangelo turned his eyes to his brother but left his head completely still. " If he tries anything, drop to the ground, curl into a fetal position and play dead!"

Michelangelo laughed nervously then looked back at the bear, who had dropped back down to all fours and started to sniff around the turtle's feet. The bear's nose then went up Michelangelo's leg and around the base of his shell.

" I'd say that bear gettin' a little too friendly," Raphael laughed again as he saw the surprised look on his youngest brother's face. The bear then started to sniff at Michelangelo's open hand.

"What's it doing?" He whispered as he watched the bear out of the corners of his eyes.

" I think it smells those marshmallows on your hand." Leonardo replied. " That's what drew it here in the first place."

"Did it eat my Hershey bars too?" Michelangelo said half-jokingly. As he laughed, he suddenly felt warm wetness in the palm of his hand.

" Oh sick! It licked me! Stupid bear!" Then, without thinking, Michelangelo raised his hand and flicked the bear in the nose. The bear stepped back and shook it's head, then glared back at the turtle and a low growl erupted from his throat.

"Uh oh." Michelangelo whimpered.

" Good job, dumbass!" Raphael shouted. " You should've just jumped into his mouth!"

The bear roared again as it stood back up and as it dropped back down, it took off after the turtles.

" RUUUUNNNNNNN!" Michelangelo screamed as he ran toward his brothers. The bear chased them around the fire in circles a few times before stopping. It then turned and went the other direction, catching the Turtles by surprise.

" Well, he's not stupid. I'll give him that!" Leonardo said with a slight laugh.

" Quick! Climb the trees!" Donatello shouted, and they scattered to different corners of the campsite leaving the bear alone on the ground.

" Are you sure this is safe?" Leonardo called out into the night air. " Don't bears climb trees?"

"Grizzlies can until their claws reach a certain length, then it's difficult for them to grip the trunk!" Donatello shouted back

"I'll have ta remember that next time so I can just throw Mikey down to it!" Raphael yelled as he glared at Michelangelo.

They then watched as the bear started to rip through their belongings as it continued its angry rampage.

" Hey!" Leonardo shouted as the bear picked up one of his books and shredded it. " That wasn't even mine! That was Splinter's!"

"Ooooo! You're gonna get it!" Michelangelo laughed, then let out a high pitched shriek as the bear stepped on his CD player and then crushed his Gameboy. "NOOO! Oh, the horror! I feel faint!"

Donatello only shook his head as the bear smashed his abacus. " Well, that was a waste of time to make."

Suddenly, the bear stopped, and shook it's body, then rose it's nose to the air. The Turtles watched as the bear slowly began to move away from the fire and back into the trees. They waited until it had fully disappeared into the woods, then they jumped down from the trees and gathered around the fire.

" I still take the bats over that any day!" Michelangelo said with a chuckle. Raphael glared at him while Donatello shook his head and Leonardo rolled his eyes. It was then that they noticed that Michelangelo was still holding onto the duffel bag.

"What's that?" Raphael pointed.

Michelangelo smiled as his lifted up the bag. " I told you! I caught a snipe!"

His brothers exchanged nervous glances with each other as Donatello spoke.

" Uh, Mikey, snipes aren't real."

"Huh? Not real?" Michelangelo's face twisted in confusion. " But I did just what Raph told me to do. I called it and when it got closer to me, I bagged it!"

" Mike, Raph made it up." Leonardo said as he eyed the bag. " It was just something to keep you busy so you wouldn't bother us."

Michelangelo then looked at the bag, and his brothers jumped back as the bag moved.

"Then what did I catch?"

Michelangelo set the bag down and untied the strings. He pulled back the opening, then jumped back, and the four turtles watched and waited. Their eyes grew wide as a small, furry, brown colored animal poked its head out, and it turned it's huge yellow eyes to them.

" What the crap is that?" Raphael asked as the creature crawled out of the bag and onto the ground. It sat back on it's hind legs and then began to lick the spaces between it's webbed toes with a long, thin tongue. Donatello gasped as the light from the fire shined on the creature's scaley back.

" I've never seen anything like that in my life!" He looked back at Michelangelo and smiled. " Maybe the snipe is real, after all."

" It's actually kinda cute!" Michelangelo said as he knelt down. " Can I take it home?"

"NO!" His brothers responded quickly.

" What was that?" Leonardo then said as he turned his head to the woods. The other turtles then heard the shrill call coming from deep in the woods. The creature turned it's head and scared the Turtles as it let out it's own ear piercing shriek that sounded exactly like the sound Raphael had made earlier. Raphael then laughed as he crossed his arms over his chest.

" It really did sound like that! Guess I'm not as original as I thought!"

The creature blinked it's large eyes at the Turtles, then ran off into the woods, leaving the Turtles still slightly confused.

"Man! I wanted to keep that thing!" Michelangelo snapped his fingers.

" Mikey, do you remember that hamster you had that you forgot to feed?" Raphael said as he watched Michelangelo's shoulders and face drop. " I rest my case."

"Well, I think we can scratch wilderness camping off our list of retreat ideas!" Donatello said as he picked up the scattered pieces on his broken abacus. Leonardo also picked up his torn books as Michelangelo collected his broken electronics.

" Maybe we should ask Splinter if we could stay home next year." Leonardo tossed the scraps of book into his backpack, then pulled his hand out in disgust when he discovered it was still wet from the bear's saliva.

"Hey!" Michelangelo shouted. " I know the perfect place to go to next time!"

"Where?" Donatello asked.

" That health spa on Sixth Street that just opened up! Nothing reconnects you better to your inner self than a massage and a facial!"

His brothers protested loudly, and threw their backpacks at Michelangelo, who then shrugged.

" Come on! I have coupons!"


End file.
